After all we’re about to implement some form of socialist health care. If I am expected to pay for your medical needs then I demand a stake in your lifestyle.
Starting the moment Obamacare passes I demand the following if you expect me to continue paying taxes:
- Health and nutrition classes will be 25% of the public school curriculum
- Public facilities will serve only health foods approved by government nutritionists and only in appropriate quantities
- Immediate ban on “all you can eat” schemes
- Smoking ban
- Government provided nutritionists who will monitor the diet of every American
- Obese people will go to jail until they have met weight standards
- Anorexics and bulimics will face similar corrective measures
- Mandatory federal oversight of restaurant menus
- Food inspectors will visit every household in the nation on a quarterly basis to ensure compliance with government dietary guidelines
- Unhealthy foods such as candy and cookies will be strictly rationed
- Repeat offenders of height/weight ratios established under these mandates are subject to stomach bands and other risky control mechanisms
- A new federal agency be formed – Department of Personal Education – DoPE would teach Americans to exercise, eat right and naturally keep the correct balance of hormones flowing
- Restrict, by law, the number of hours Americans may watch TV, play video games or sit on a couch in any given week.
- Mandatory genetic screening prior to copulation
- Before having unprotected sex, Americans will get a permit
- Permit will ensure that any offspring produced by the coitus are genetically non-problematic and therefore not a significant burden on the taxpayers
- Violators will be housed in cells with non-violent drug offenders
OK, now that I’ve given my demands I’m ready to proceed with Obamacare on a ten-year trial. I look forward to a weekly mandatory television address by that great American doctor-journalist Dr. Sanjay Gupta. Hopefully when Gupta becomes surgeon general the feds will use their common sense and change the position’s title to Lifestyle Czar. Gupta can head his own arm of the Department of Homeland Security and reign over our lifestyle choices and collective health care system from his DoPE palace in the magical land of Washington, D.C.